Life would be easy if it weren't for difficult people.

Go on, it's okay. Admit it! We all know that life would be a
whole lot easier if we didn't have to deal with those few
(or many) difficult people we just can't seem to avoid. I
think you know who I'm talking about.

What's not okay is to give up something you need, want or
deserve because of their rude, obnoxious, sullen, and
apathetic habits. Yes, I do mean "habits".

If you're tired of playing their game, take charge of your
life by taking a good look at yourself! You can not change
them, but you can change what you do and how you act around
them - and ultimately how they affect your life.

The Good News... and the Bad News

Difficult people have been trained and taught to act the way
they do since they were children. In fact, they have been
rewarded for their negative behavior throughout their entire
lives. Difficult behavior worked for them as children - and
more important, it continues to work for them as adults.

I believe that most of us are born with the capacity and
desire to love and be loved. As we grow, we learn to respond
to verbal and visual cues and we begin to adjust our
behavior to obtain the positive responses we want. Children
who can manipulate their parents soon learn to enjoy
feelings of power and control over others.

The game of life is basically about "getting our needs met."
And you certainly do play a part! We reward difficult people
by giving in to their needs. Think about it. If someone's
behavior is consistently inappropriate or unacceptable
toward you, ask yourself if in any way you are rewarding
their negative behavior.

For example, Helen gets upset every time Harry mentions that
he wants to play golf. Rather than face a 2-hour lecture he
usually finds it easier to just stay home. One day, however,
he gets angry and accuses her of being a nag who never
understands him.

Instead of answering back, Helen gets her feelings hurt,
stomps off and gives him the silent treatment. Harry takes
advantage of her "cold shoulder" and plays a few holes of
golf!

Jennifer wins the same "reward" at her new school. Few of
the kids would talk to her and some were even making fun of
her. She asked to stay in during recess, but the teacher
said no. Eventually she gets into a fight and pushes another
girl down.

The teacher tells Jennifer that fighting is against the
rules and she will have to stay inside. What did Jennifer
learn? Ask the teacher respectfully and you will not get
what you want. Push someone and you can avoid recess!

We have three choices each time we respond to another
person: 1. Be positive; 2. Be negative; and 3. Avoid or
ignore them. Difficult people see avoidance as a positive
response. When we ignore unacceptable, inappropriate
behavior, it will usually happen again because our avoidance
tells the difficult person that we are willing to accept
their behavior.

What do they really want?

Difficult people want to do their own thing, in their own
time, in their own way, without interference. In addition,
they expect everyone around them to cooperate - even work
extra hard - to ensure that this happens. And they do not
see anything unreasonable about these expectations.

There is little in their experience to signal them that
their actions are inappropriate. They also have little (if
any) desire or motivation to change their habits.

What can I do about it?

We learn a lot from difficult people. We tolerate their
behavior and attitudes as "part of life." We hold back our
feelings and swallow our words. We make concessions even
when we do not receive anything in return.

We compromise even when it is 90/10 instead of 50/50. We may
even question our own ability to relate and communicate with
others reasoning that "Maybe it's me."

Since we cannot change difficult people, we can only change
our selves and our reactions to their behavior. They need
our cooperation and our permission to intimidate, control
and repeatedly manipulate us to get their way. In most
relationships, we are treated exactly the way we allow
ourselves to be treated.

The good news is that because we are partly responsible
there is something we can do to create and maintain
relationships where we are treated respectfully. That's
great news! By focusing on our selves and the changes we can
make in our own behaviors and reactions, we can begin to
take control of how other people treat us - today!

Take Action!

Think about two difficult people in your life.
Identify the behaviors of these difficult people.
Ask yourself if you could possibly be rewarding these
difficult people.

Would they describe you as the difficult person? If so, what
would they say?